Well I THOUGHT I was off to a good start, but who was I kidding …

I’ve been all smiles, happy and cheerful. Only problem is, that’s not really me. At this moment in my life, I feel quite the opposite, teary-eyed, sad and depressed. People have been kind here, but I haven’t really been able to take it in. They don’t like me. They are only welcoming the happy mask I wear.

Why hide my true self? Because I hate it, I don’t like me and I don’t think other people could like me either. I’m such an emotional mess. I feel bad and guilty, because any friends I make like my happy exterior, but once their my friend I open up a little and instead of just leaning on that person for support, I CRUSH them with my personal problems. I hate showing that side of myself, that all so weak and vulnerable side, but that side of me is basically 99.9% of me.

I am so confused. There are a million things coming to surface at once, with each one contradicting the last. I don’t want to be alone any more, but I can’t comprehend why someone would want to talk to me.

BUT when it comes down to it though, I only want to be accepted. I only want to make friends and I don’t want to be by myself any more. I want a boyfriend! But I seem so needy. I sound like one of those sad loner kids with no friends, I know, but it’s the truth and its about time I started to be truthful.


These are just a few people I would like to walk up to, hug them, look them straight in the eye and say, "You’re a wonderful person." That may seem very ‘Hallmark.’ But I really do think they are special people.


These are the type of boys I would love to be outside with, lay down on the soft grass with them on a warm spring day, gently nuzzle up against them and calmly fall asleep with. A bit forward perhaps, but it’s the truth. I’m interested in them and I also think they’re cute. No, not their fursona, THEM as people.

But because I am the way I am. I keep it all to myself and act like I’m calm, cool or funny. Like I’m just being friendly. When I actually want to reach out to them. I want to tell them, "I like you and I would be honoured to have a friend like you." BUT I act different. I act different because I just don’t see why anyone would want to be with the real me. But, acting different hasn’t gotten me anywhere but down.

I have been like this for so long, sometimes I’m not sure who I am any more. That’s why I probably sound so muddled. Because I analyse everything I say or do and try to make sure I’m not troubling or hurting anyone else. But it hurts me. So much. I really want to be open and honest with everyone about everything I do.

But I’m terrified. Terrified of rejection and what that might mean. I am shy in nature, I’m not outgoing and I’m not a whole lot of fun or a riot. But I care, I care about everyone and would gladly spend my time helping whoever I could. I’m loving and kind and would never intend to hurt anyone on purpose.

I’m not sure what this all means. I’m not sure why I typed it. I’m not sure what to do about it. Perhaps I can try and be a little more like me and a little less like the person I think people want me to be.

But if you’re unlucky enough to stumble across this, then feel free to comment on it, even if it’s just to tell me to, "Buck Up." Or to go F*#% myself.